Kickball in the City

Friday, October 06, 2006

The Perfect Resume


There are lots of tough jobs in the country. Right now I'd put soldier in the military at the top of the list. Cops, trash guys, people who do anything related to having to be waist deep in sewage - these are timeless tough jobs. Apparently, we can add a new one to this list: WAKA Rep. The job seems easy enough from the way it is presented, but either the turnover is such or WAKA is growing so fast (this week they are back to 25,000 according to their spokesbabe) that I am constantly getting solicitations from the WAKA reps. Here is yesterday's:

Hello Kickballers,

Take your love of kickball to the next level! The World Adult Kickball Association in Phoenix currently has a need for a part time Regional Representative. An average of a 10 hour work week is required, with some evenings and weekends as necessary. You must have high speed internet access at home and be available to attend staff meetings via phone, local board meetings, games and social events. Great email communication skills and general computer knowledge are a must. Help spread the joy of kickball.

Please submit your resume and cover letter of interest to: Resume@kickball.com

Keep on kicking!

This got me thinking, "What would the ideal WAKA resume for a rep look like?" I mean the real ideal one, not the one the Kash guys would say they want. One based on my and several other players experiences and the hiring practices of the Kash guys to this point. People like the people they are and have hired in the past. I think I found it and I'd like to share:

Kickball Homer
1234 Main St
Anywhere, USA
55555
(202) 555-5555
Objective
To obtain a position where basically I don't have to do anything. I work from home and send out emails one or two days a week and then go to a bar if I feel like it. Also, a position with upward mobility that would allow me to do more of the same.
Highlights of Qualifications
  • Like to make puppies cry
  • 157 on math portion of SAT
  • Years of drinking experience
  • Able to make people's lives more difficult with little effort
  • Often referred to as "Quintessential Company Person"
  • Never question authority
Work Experience
Aug 2006 - Sept 2006, Food Services Specialist - Long John Silvers
  • Mopped floor
  • Fried several foods
  • Overcharged customers for food
  • Yelled at customers when they questioned value meal prices

January 2005 - March 2005, Barista - Caribou Coffee

  • Hung out with friends
  • Overcharged customers for coffee
  • Made fun of customers
  • Made coffee

June 2004 - Aug 2004, Camp Counselor - Lake Chopamipinga

  • Started kickball but lost interest and never went to any games
  • Scheduled no social events
  • Overcharged kids for everything from going to camp to breathing
  • Yelled at the kids a lot when they question camp guidelines
  • Wasted a lot of space

April 2000 - January 2004, Lab Assistant - Dharma Labs

  • Pulled wings off flies just to watch them suffer
  • Did lots of medicinal marijuana to test how many brain cells it kills
  • Overcharged customers for all of our services
  • Sent out press release allowing people to use the theory of relativity

Education

2000-2006, University of Phoenix

BA in Psychology

Awards

  • Lazy Ass of the Year, 2000-2006
  • Fuzzy Math Champion, 2006
  • Abu Ghraib Top Torturer, 2004
  • Company Man of the Year, 2000, 2004

Special Notes: While I realize there are several gaps in my resume while I was attending UoP, well, math is hard. Additionally I do have a doctor's note that dictates that I cannot work more than 8 hours in a given week and none can be consecutive. I hope this does not hurt my chances of getting this great job.

References available upon request from:

Jeff Spicoli, SpongeBob Squarepants, and any of the fine profs at UoP

The flood of applicants with this sort of resume should be immediate. I'm sure the Kash guys would be happy to hire more of the same of what they already have. WAKA reps make things much more difficult for the people who actually make WAKA work - the volunteers on the board; thus torture is a good background for any potential employee. WAKA reps don't get paid much but then, based on my experience and those of many others, they don't do very much either. So really, anything they do get is like money for doing almost nothing - sorta like the Kash guys themselves.

That doesn't seem to be a difficult job at all, maybe my resume has a shot.


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