Kickball Douchebags

This past Monday was the championship for the indoor kickball league I was playing in. The game was going along pretty well and was a close match between the Jingle Hoos and Kick, Flip, Repeat. It was set to be a 9 inning match and was humming along through the 8th when all of the sudden the game was halted and lots of shouting began. Many of us were confused as to what was going on until the umpire clarified; Kick, Flip, Repeat had brought beer into an elementary school (where the games were played) and was immediately disqualified and thrown out of the school.

Many of us were shocked and several people wondered how people could be so stupid. I mean really, if you can't wait an hour to drink beer you probably need to join a 12 step program. Further, it's just plain stupid and disrespectful - not to mention illegal. So this led me to coin another phrase I will use to describe this team and others like it: Kickball Douchebags.

Kickball Douchebags varies slightly from the urban dictionary definition of a douche bag, which refers to anyone you know who is a douche bag. This has to be kickball specific, so I will submit the entry here, with an example, of course:

Kickball Douchebags (noun) - 1. A person on a kickball team that is a total moron and doesn't think before he/she speaks or acts. 2. A kickball team with an indescribable idiocy, hence stupidity, poor idea of what's cool, possibly an arrogance about them. 3. A team that is a total tool of the Kash guys.

ex. Did you hear about Kick, Flip, Repeat bringing beer to a school? They are total kickball douchebags for that.

Hello, we are Kick, Flip, Repeat - tools of the Kash guys

Let me lay out the whole story though, to make it clear. Apparently this team plays in the Kash guys' DC Lightning division normally. A quick view of the Lightning site showed that this is true and the team's name last season was While You're Down There. One of their players served on the board. I guess they decided to play indoor kickball with NAKID.

My team played them a couple of times and playing them was never fun. We beat them (big whoop) but they were one of those teams that argues every call and just seemed to have a chip on its shoulder the whole season. Then at the bar they would stick to themselves. Apparently, as I have heard, they were drunk and bringing beer to all the games so this may explain their angry, antisocial behavior.

Fast forward to Monday's game where one guy in particular kept yelling at the umpire and acting like a tough guy. After the game was called because of their illegal actions, the responses were typical of kickball douchebags. First, they denied having beer. Then they stated that while they did have beer, someone had known about it the whole time and that by taking the side of the head umpire people were "on their side". Generally speaking, I like to be on the right side of the law too. Finally, one guy was pushing the head umpire, talking typical kickball douchebag stuff about wanting to fight and actually pushing the guy (who did not push back and just told them to get out). Again, the beer may explain this behavior.

So they head to the bar, declaring themselves champs despite all that transpired. Speaking to one of the people who helps run NAKID I was told that this would just be left alone as long as the kickball douchebags left it that way. But of course, they could not. They started posting things on NAKID's message board about how they are the champs and NAKID people are too weak or something to play with the Kash guys (Hi, KDB, a number of us DO!), etc. So the team was sent an email, which was passed to me:

Based on your team's display last night and wanton disregard for the law, let alone the rules of NAKID, denial of having broken the law, and subsequent threats of violence, your team has been banned from this league. This means that none of you will be invited nor allowed to participate in any NAKID events. In addition any further comments posted on our message board by your team members will continue to be deleted by the administrator. If you are happy in the league you regularly play in, then just return to it and leave it at that.

Pretty straightforward to me and would seem simple enough even for kickball douchebags to understand, right? WRONG! I was not sent all of the responses, but these two seem indicative:

Totally unnecessary - and somewhat prolific, you all were banned from WAKA (probably b/c you're lame and don't drink during games) and you banned us from NAKID, whoop'd-e-freaking-do. As if you didn't know we didn't plan on coming back again, anyway.Thanks for the good times and the ability to now say we've been BANNED FROM NAKID to all of our WAKA friends!!!

I was wondering if you could make our “wanton disregard for the law” shrimp… Oh and could you add some spicy mustard as well. So the final order should read “Based on your team’s display last night and SHRIMP wanton WITH SPICY MUSTARD disregard for the law.”

Okay, now that I (and hopefully most of you) are done laughing, let's take a look at these two responses. The first states that it's "prolific", which as we all know does not fit there, and must be referring to the league's sexual prowess. It also states that people in NAKID were banned from WAKA, which is of course, a lie. The second shows that these people really are kickball douchebags - apparently the writer doesn't understand the difference between delicious won tons and the word wanton. Amazing.

The food of choice for kickball douchebags, just make sure you place the order

The interesting thing is this: these people knew they were not supposed to drink in a school. And in fact, if you go to the DC Lighting page right now the first thing one's eye is drawn to is "Rule 1.03 – Alcohol is prohibited on the field unless expressly permitted by field regulations. Note: Our field regulations don’t allow it. If you get caught with alcohol by the Capitol Police, you will be ticketed and WAKA could lose its ability to filed games on the Mall. (“This beverage sure is refreshing in an opaque cup.” Opaque means you can’t see through the cup for those of you who have trouble with words.)" So if these kickball douchebags have been drinking on the fields during games, someone may want to alert the Park Police (they play Wednesdays) to this.

Not for use is elementary schools, kickball douchebags!

I'm telling you, it's kickball douchebags like these people that make it difficult to stay in WAKA and make players turn to DC Kickball and NAKID. Have fun eating your wantons morons!