Keep off the grass - or we'll shoot (or at least threaten to arrest you)

So, I was at a pickup kickball game this past Sunday. No big deal, a bunch of the kickball dorks got together because it was "such a beautiful day". By that I assume they meant that it was sunny and that was about it because at the Washington Monument - where we played - the wind was gusting to about 60 miles per hour. Frankly, I prefer snow kickball; but I digress.

There we were, just the kickball dorks playing on the 15th Street side of the Monument as we have on and off for three months now. We had been playing for about an hour when a Park Policeman on a horse started yelling something seemingly in our direction. However because he chose to yell at us from 50 yards away and the wind was whipping, we really couldn't hear him, so we kept playing. He yelled again and someone saw him make the "cut it" sign with a throat slash motion. We all grumbled as to what the problem was and began to pick up the field as one of the players ambled over to fins out what was wrong. The next thing we knew, he told us he was being arrested!

After a few minutes of him walking over to the cop, who remained on horseback but had come closer to the group, the player started to return to the group. Then the Park Police officer started pulling the guy's backpack, while still on horseback, thus choking him somewhat. Now, the guy can't be taller than 5'3 and the horse is pulling back against the wind, so you can imagine that this was painful. Next, three other officers approach our friend and the horse cop (now off of his horse and writing info down). The 4 of these Keystone cops detain the player for about 15 more minutes and then he is allowed to return to the group.

Don't you feel safe with them out there?

The player relays that he asked the punkass Park Police horse cop why we had to leave, to which he received the response, "Because I said so". The cop repeated this 4 times to him, never giving an actual answer. WTF are we five years old? You can't give the guy an answer? So the players turns to leave saying, "Ok, you're an asshole." WEEEELL, this tees this fake cop off! Now he starts grabbing at the player saying he is being "disorderly". He informs the player to hold still and that he is not to "call me a fucking asshole". The player responded (in true kickball fashion), "I didn't call you a fucking asshole, I just called you an asshole." I know, funny, but not his brightest moment.

Horse's ass cop calls for his supervisor and the three others show up. The supervisor, who at least has more tact than horse's ass cop, states that the Park Service asked them to ask us to stop because they were worried about the condition of the grass. He then added that as for horse's ass cop, "You have to do whatever an officer tells you to do as long as it's not illegal". Oh right, I missed that amendment to the Bill of Rights.

Ok, let's begin with the understanding that talking back to a cop, even the useless, chip on their shoulder Park Police, is never a good idea. Given that, am I alone in thinking this is complete and utter bullshit?! "Because I said so"? Hey, um, horse's ass, that's not a good enough reason. My assumption is that this guy was too stupid to know why he was following orders from some park service puke and probably hasn't gotten laid in a year and so tries to be a tough guy on a horse. Meanwhile, I doubt that calling him an asshole would stand up in court as "disorderly" conduct; but I am damn sure that 12 witnesses testifying that they saw some Park Police punk dragging a guy around by his backpack would qualify as police brutality.

Just a rough draft to the Park Police

Next, the idea that one is to do anything an officer tells her to unless it is unlawful sounds a bit like a police state, doesn't it? Let's see, if I get pulled over and a cop tells me to take my pants off I believe that's not unlawful, and so I should just do it. Apparently the police in the District have been granted the supreme authority over all of us mere mortals. All praise the Park Police, they know the truth!

Destroying the grass, one blade at a time

Finally, a look at the whole cause of this - the poor grass. God save the grass! I'd like to thank the National Park Service for being so concerned about the condition of the grass around the Washington Monument. Most of it has been fenced off since mid November and is scheduled to remain so through March. I anxiously await the unveiling of the lush fields of green once those red fences come down. Of course, the NPS isn't too concerned from April through October when they routinely flood the grass by running the sprinklers all day, creating a swamp like situation. And they certainly aren't concerned when the keystone cops are driving on it. But kickballers - we're the real threat!